Yes Dear

Recently I have found myself doing a lot of "Note to Self" and "Dear..."

Maybe I should just change the name of this blog to Yes, Dear.. haha

This is pretty much my thought process today:

Wake up:

Note to Self: remember to remove eyeliner before bed. You look like a racoon.
Dear Keurig, please make my coffee extra hot.

Cleaning the kitchen:

Dear garbage disposal, You smell. I need to dump some lemon rinds down you soon! wtf is that stank!?

Dear kitchen, how do you get so messy in one simple day?!

Dear dishwasher, why is it you suddenly start to fail. what am i doing wrong?!

dear maintenance crew, you said a WEEK. Today marks a week since you were last here and we sure as hell know you aren't going to show up over the weekend... So when exactly are you going to fix my oven?! One can not live on a heart heathly diet out of a toaster oven alone..

Note to self: buy sponges STAT

Shower:

note to self: razors. just... razors

Sitting around planning my day:

Dear neighbors, we've already been over you fail on halloween decor... thank you for finally removing your mushy pumpkins.

dear neighbors... have you had your baby yet?!

Dear mr squirrel picking at my mint plant. GET AWAY!

note to self, vacuum

SO yea... thats pretty much the notes that go through my head all day. half of them i forget anyways haha

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My life today.

So after that last post, I am feeling a bit better. This new healthy lifestyle is taking time to get used to.

Today:

Breakfast: 1 protein shake (banana, protein powder,fat free plain yogurt 2 tbsp, 4 ice cubes and a splash of calcium rich orange juice.)

Snack: 2 pieces of home made unseasoned beef jerky. 10 almonds.

lunch: will most likely consist of spinach salad. yumm

dinner: acorn squash or spaghetti squash. depending on my mood

I need to cut up some of the 3.5 lbs of top sirloin that we bought this weekend. it made awesome jerky this time around!!

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10.9.2010-A past day reference.

So, Saturday on the date stated above, my fiance had a heart attack. He is only36. It turned out after a morning of running around and finally realizing we needed to get to a hospital, that he had a 90% blockage in his left anterior descending artery, known fondly as part of the "Widow Maker". He could have died. Since then, they put in one stent, then had to replace the first one because it was not fully extended. I have spent 12+ days sitting bedside until they sent him home yesterday.

Yesterday was stressful and only added to the growing tension I have been feeling. After dealing with Doctors and nurses that would not tell me anything I was left terrified that if something happened again, because we are not married or blood they would just leave me there. Add to this I have become a horrible person.

I know that he was very sick. I know it was him and not me. And yet I can not help feeling a little pissed off at everyone in general. It seems that suddenly these people are popping up at of the wood work. No one called before, no one checked in, And suddenly I have all these people around pretending they give a shit, pretending that they are the ones who saved him, they are the ones who sat bedside, slept in horrible chairs while he recovered. Thats me. Just because they showed up once, for one day and talked about themselves the whole time, does not mean they suddenly give a crap. It pisses me off to see myself dismissed like that, or to see that fake caring they throw at him. I can't help but feel jealous, which i know is rediculous and I am being as bad as they are by making it about me. But aside from actually having the heart attack, it IS about me too. I'm the one who he is going to marry. I am the one that all the responsibility gets piled on later, and the one who would get blamed if something went wrong. I have to spend the rest of our lives (god willing) watching this.Worrying.

On the flip side of that, my anger is extended towards him as well. I thought after my mother passed on, that i was free. It sounds horrible but after 12 years of illness, 5 of those spent in my care, I was finally able to live my life without worrying about how to fit someone else's issues in my basket. I'm tired. I need a break and from one I get the other. God knows I love him, god knows I will stand by him no matter what..It's just...frustrating.

I'm going to go off and finish my egg whites omelet now.... and continue being a bad person. yup...

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Wow..

So the biggest differences between PA and FL stand:

In PA fall means yellowing leaves and the smell of campfires.
In FL fall means it's finally cool enough to walk outside and not fully melt. Oct 3.86 degrees. HA

In PA if you find a bug wanders into your house...chances are it is no larger than your thumb nail. It will probably be a gnat, assorted spider or annoying bug.

In FL if you find a bug chances are it is bigger than your entire thumb. Imagine sitting on the potty looking down and seeing a large bug on the floor. FREAK.. now imagine after a night out with friends you stumble into the bathroom, do your business and then go to wash the hands... there is a GIANT mother effin roach bigger than your thumb crawling past your tooth brush holder... MAJOR FREAK.

FL, please feel free to save your giant bugs for only when G is home. I can not handle the largeness.

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