Wednesday

Well, after nearly 4 months of no period. I finally got it.

I am usually late/never get it for months. My longest was 6 months.

I took a pregnancy test after my second skipped period because I had a lot of wierdness going on. Weight gain, even with eating less and exercising more, breast swelled a little. I was cranky, tired and my stomach always felt sour. I thought... I don't know, Maybe?

I want to me a mom, and I know with some medical issues, that it would be hard. I thought with everything going on it could be stress, or a flair of PCOS, which would be sad and sucky. Saddly I think it was the latter.

Glen and I have talked about kids. Given our age difference, we both agree that we don't want to end up like my parents. While my mom was 30 when she had me, my dad was 42. By the time I was graduating highschool and ready to see the world, he was getting ready to retire.

Obviously we both agree that we would prefer to be married and settled before we have kids, if it happened, neither of us would look upon it as a bad thing. I think in the back of my mind, with my sister losing her 7 yr old, then both sisters having miscarried a few times,and losing mom... I guess I kind of hoped for a bit of a shining light. Oh well.

I am bleeding really heavy today, which is ok I guess. I just feel crampy and tired. It also explains my wild mood swings the past few weeks.I have to wear a pad because I am bleeding right through the tampons during the heaviest times. It is pretty gross. I feel kinda sad though. It is hard to explain. I mean, I knew I was not pregnant after I took my little pee stick test, But still.

Anyway, In lighter news, Scott and Nicole are getting married next week. I a super excited. I am also strongly ignoring the fact that I will have to stand up infront of all my friends and family and READ. It makes me nervous to my core. I have issues standing up in front of people I won;t care if they judge me. But this... this is scary. Being the first reader I set the low bar for everyone to jump over, god i hope someone messes up!

Read more...

Bittersweet memories..

My feelings on the next two days are bittersweet.

While I am excited to have some girl time with my sister, I dread tomorrow the most.
Not only is tomorrow the 2 month since mama passed, but we are going to my sisters house.
The last time I was at my sisters was the last time i saw my mother well. I use the term 'well' loosely because she was so sick for so many years, but i define well as living, breathing, laughing,talking on her own and not in the hospital.

So, my heart is getting heavier and heavier as the hours pass into tomorrow. It will be hard to be there thinking of all the memories. This is especially hard as it is the first time my father and I will leave the house for more than a few hours at a time.

I supose no one knows how I feel better than my sister. Losing her little boy two years ago was hard enough, losing her step-mom;my mom was even harder, having miscarried last week. worse. She knows what it is like to go to place with memories, to make it through one day at a time.

I miss my mommy. I miss her so much it hurts constantly. They say depression hurts... They we'rent kidding. Too early Too soon. My heart it sad.

welll... happy weekend i supose. blog on..

Read more...