Wednesday

Well, after nearly 4 months of no period. I finally got it.

I am usually late/never get it for months. My longest was 6 months.

I took a pregnancy test after my second skipped period because I had a lot of wierdness going on. Weight gain, even with eating less and exercising more, breast swelled a little. I was cranky, tired and my stomach always felt sour. I thought... I don't know, Maybe?

I want to me a mom, and I know with some medical issues, that it would be hard. I thought with everything going on it could be stress, or a flair of PCOS, which would be sad and sucky. Saddly I think it was the latter.

Glen and I have talked about kids. Given our age difference, we both agree that we don't want to end up like my parents. While my mom was 30 when she had me, my dad was 42. By the time I was graduating highschool and ready to see the world, he was getting ready to retire.

Obviously we both agree that we would prefer to be married and settled before we have kids, if it happened, neither of us would look upon it as a bad thing. I think in the back of my mind, with my sister losing her 7 yr old, then both sisters having miscarried a few times,and losing mom... I guess I kind of hoped for a bit of a shining light. Oh well.

I am bleeding really heavy today, which is ok I guess. I just feel crampy and tired. It also explains my wild mood swings the past few weeks.I have to wear a pad because I am bleeding right through the tampons during the heaviest times. It is pretty gross. I feel kinda sad though. It is hard to explain. I mean, I knew I was not pregnant after I took my little pee stick test, But still.

Anyway, In lighter news, Scott and Nicole are getting married next week. I a super excited. I am also strongly ignoring the fact that I will have to stand up infront of all my friends and family and READ. It makes me nervous to my core. I have issues standing up in front of people I won;t care if they judge me. But this... this is scary. Being the first reader I set the low bar for everyone to jump over, god i hope someone messes up!

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Getting Old While You Are Still Young

In the past few years I have begun to realize how fast I was forced to grow up.

In my 20's I should be out living life and having a ball. And, sometimes I do. Most of the time I don't. It's not for lack of trying. I just, do not enjoy it anymore.

Around the age of 6 I started going to my aunt's house after school. She had Multiple Sclerosis and 2 young sons. I would get off the bus and walk her oldest home. I was often left in charge of feeding them and changing them as her illness progressed. We moved when i was 8.

I had a few years of being a kid before my mom was dianosed with Multiple Sclerosis too, amoung various other illnesses. In the begining she was able to fend for herself, but it was always in the back of my mind that she would one day need me. As I got older, while my friends were having parties and sleepovers, it became harder to have them at my house. My mom was constantly getting worse and introducing her to things like colds were not a good idea. I hid her away iI admit it. Sometimes she would forget who I was, why would I want to share that?

Around 18, after one semester of college, my mother confessed that she had suffered through a deep depression over me leaving which had set her MS into a flair. Around this time her current Home Health Aid had come into some money and decided to quit. My mother asked me to come home. I did no questions asked and stayed until she died. 5 years. (so you can see I didnt just lose my mother, I lost my life, my job, my education and my friends)

Friends are not always the easiest thing to hold onto during these times. My friends wanted to go out and party or just out in general. In the begining I did those things, but as my mother came to rely on me more those things stopped. I had to cancel or come home early. On nights out to the bar I spent most of those nights as a designated driver because chances were my mom would need me when I got home.

At the time I felt like i was doing the right thing. In my mind I was being a good daughter. I took over cleaning, cooking, scheduling medical visits. I drove her where-ever she wanted. I did all her medicines and grocery shopping. I in essance became the sole caregiver and housewife. My father helped when he was able., but god love him, he was in his 60's with a bad back and working full time. I ended up taking care of him too.

I will never regret the times I had with my mother, but I don't have to like them. By my teens I was viewed by my elders as an equal because I was forced to grow up and see things most teens will never see. I really never got to enjoy those teen and young adult years becuase of the life I lived.

So on a night like tonight, when I know there is some "famous" host at our local downtown club complex, where my highschool friends are having a party for one of the girls, and the thought of going holds zero interest-I feel a bit sad. I wish I wanted to be there, to act crazy, make a few mistakes have a blast. I almost wish it even crossed their minds to think to invite me.They probably knew I wouldnt enjoy it anyways.It all just seems to pointless to me.

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Weekend Recap

So as previously posted, I was at my sisters this weekend!

After 2 days of crazy searching I found an adorable dress for the wedding.

Black Knee length dress with pink accents. Its not really what I had in mind, but I really dont wish to shop anymore..so..I wont. besides, it was only $25. How could I go wrong. Hoorah Bargain shopping!

I need shoes. Porbab ly heels. SIGH

Other than that we had a few sad moments, stopping at my nephews grave, and thinking about mama.

We also went to a farm certified in raw milk selling so I decided to try a half gallon, and some fresh eggs. I love local businesses. The extrmemely nice farmer who looks more like a frat boy... is selling his 5 bedroom farm house. If i had a chance in hell of getting a mortgage right now... I would scoop it up. Stone house circa 1930. GORGEOUS.

Anywho, I am feeling a but sluggish today due to the cold, windy, rainy bleh weather.

Blog on

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Bittersweet memories..

My feelings on the next two days are bittersweet.

While I am excited to have some girl time with my sister, I dread tomorrow the most.
Not only is tomorrow the 2 month since mama passed, but we are going to my sisters house.
The last time I was at my sisters was the last time i saw my mother well. I use the term 'well' loosely because she was so sick for so many years, but i define well as living, breathing, laughing,talking on her own and not in the hospital.

So, my heart is getting heavier and heavier as the hours pass into tomorrow. It will be hard to be there thinking of all the memories. This is especially hard as it is the first time my father and I will leave the house for more than a few hours at a time.

I supose no one knows how I feel better than my sister. Losing her little boy two years ago was hard enough, losing her step-mom;my mom was even harder, having miscarried last week. worse. She knows what it is like to go to place with memories, to make it through one day at a time.

I miss my mommy. I miss her so much it hurts constantly. They say depression hurts... They we'rent kidding. Too early Too soon. My heart it sad.

welll... happy weekend i supose. blog on..

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