My life today.

So after that last post, I am feeling a bit better. This new healthy lifestyle is taking time to get used to.

Today:

Breakfast: 1 protein shake (banana, protein powder,fat free plain yogurt 2 tbsp, 4 ice cubes and a splash of calcium rich orange juice.)

Snack: 2 pieces of home made unseasoned beef jerky. 10 almonds.

lunch: will most likely consist of spinach salad. yumm

dinner: acorn squash or spaghetti squash. depending on my mood

I need to cut up some of the 3.5 lbs of top sirloin that we bought this weekend. it made awesome jerky this time around!!

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10.9.2010-A past day reference.

So, Saturday on the date stated above, my fiance had a heart attack. He is only36. It turned out after a morning of running around and finally realizing we needed to get to a hospital, that he had a 90% blockage in his left anterior descending artery, known fondly as part of the "Widow Maker". He could have died. Since then, they put in one stent, then had to replace the first one because it was not fully extended. I have spent 12+ days sitting bedside until they sent him home yesterday.

Yesterday was stressful and only added to the growing tension I have been feeling. After dealing with Doctors and nurses that would not tell me anything I was left terrified that if something happened again, because we are not married or blood they would just leave me there. Add to this I have become a horrible person.

I know that he was very sick. I know it was him and not me. And yet I can not help feeling a little pissed off at everyone in general. It seems that suddenly these people are popping up at of the wood work. No one called before, no one checked in, And suddenly I have all these people around pretending they give a shit, pretending that they are the ones who saved him, they are the ones who sat bedside, slept in horrible chairs while he recovered. Thats me. Just because they showed up once, for one day and talked about themselves the whole time, does not mean they suddenly give a crap. It pisses me off to see myself dismissed like that, or to see that fake caring they throw at him. I can't help but feel jealous, which i know is rediculous and I am being as bad as they are by making it about me. But aside from actually having the heart attack, it IS about me too. I'm the one who he is going to marry. I am the one that all the responsibility gets piled on later, and the one who would get blamed if something went wrong. I have to spend the rest of our lives (god willing) watching this.Worrying.

On the flip side of that, my anger is extended towards him as well. I thought after my mother passed on, that i was free. It sounds horrible but after 12 years of illness, 5 of those spent in my care, I was finally able to live my life without worrying about how to fit someone else's issues in my basket. I'm tired. I need a break and from one I get the other. God knows I love him, god knows I will stand by him no matter what..It's just...frustrating.

I'm going to go off and finish my egg whites omelet now.... and continue being a bad person. yup...

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Wow..

So the biggest differences between PA and FL stand:

In PA fall means yellowing leaves and the smell of campfires.
In FL fall means it's finally cool enough to walk outside and not fully melt. Oct 3.86 degrees. HA

In PA if you find a bug wanders into your house...chances are it is no larger than your thumb nail. It will probably be a gnat, assorted spider or annoying bug.

In FL if you find a bug chances are it is bigger than your entire thumb. Imagine sitting on the potty looking down and seeing a large bug on the floor. FREAK.. now imagine after a night out with friends you stumble into the bathroom, do your business and then go to wash the hands... there is a GIANT mother effin roach bigger than your thumb crawling past your tooth brush holder... MAJOR FREAK.

FL, please feel free to save your giant bugs for only when G is home. I can not handle the largeness.

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Blah

I am so bored lately. I find myself sitting around. wandering the small apartment as if something exciting will happen. I have become boring. Nothing excites me the way it used to. My computer holds my interest only if and when my fav bloggers have graced the web with a new post that is interesting. Even then it doesn't always entertain me now. I used to play games for hours. Literally. I would wake up, game, eat, game, insert daily life things, game.

Now I don;t even want to play. I have closed down all but one or two of my accounts. Even REAL LIFE is a bore. We went to the movies today and I found myself unable to do something as simple as recalling facts from the book the movie was based on. What is wrong with me>?!?!?! I make these plans, get up and get dressed every day only to disappoint myself. I sit at home until he gets here and sometimes we go out. Usually out means getting to thew laundry until we get out washer and dryer, or going to: the book store, the grocery store, the other book store, walmart, target or old navy. Then we go home. Once a week we go out to eat. Glen drinks a beer or two and we go home. We sit on the couch in silence watching tv and or reading a book. Or we do what we are doing at this moment. We sit at our desks, his in the living room, mine in the bedroom and type. Lord knows what he does, I sit here and type, or surf the web in hopes of new excitement. Not likely.

I'm not unhappy with HIM, I'm more unhappy with me. I feel unmotivated, fat, lazy and depressed. I can't seem to get the job, the school anything. Fuck.

Anywho. Excuse my pity party tonight. I'm a little down with the weather. I had a fun day planned. We would take a drive to one of the state parks, hop on a ferry and go to some gorgeous beach area. We might swim, or just hangout. I thought the outdoorsy thing would be fun. I planned a picnic. Subs, macaroni and potato salad. Yum. Frozen bottles of water and juice to take the edge off the heat. I even bought a new swim suit. And we woke up to pouring rain. Every day it's upper 90's and sunny enough to be too hot. The ONE time I plan to do something. Plan. I mean PLAN. It rains. It rained all day, until after 5 when it was too late to catch a ferry or enjoy the picnic. We went to a movie and ate out picnic food at home on the couch. Because we don;t have a table yet. HA. Maybe tomorrow will hold something interesting.

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Things I've Learned..

Since my move:

1. Shower Curtains: After 15 years of having shower doors I have lost the ability to understand shower curtains. The repeated air billowing that causes my curtains to puff up drives me insane. Different Heights, Different sizes... does not matter. After a week of repeated 'Psycho' movie references I am almost willing to pay for doors.

2. STUFF: Just because I don't have a lot of stuff, does not mean he doesn't. I MOVED with all my things including most of the kitchen stuff, in my one car. His stuff took 4 car trips, multiple boxes and half of my living room floor at the moment.

3. Human interaction: NEED. A week at home is driving me mad. My only human interaction consists of the creepy old man at the laundry, a talkative neighbor who chain smokes and G. I find myself wandering around the stoop in hopes someone will stop and talk to me. I consider going to the grocery store just to be near someone. I leave the tv on all day to hear noise.

4. Food Prep: Getting used to a new kitchen lay out is hard. Getting used to cooking all the meals is harder. Aside from a lunch or two G has cooked I do it all. I find myself skipping breakfast because I can not stand to be in the kitchen.

4.5. Weight Gain: With the cooking falling on me and the limited food budget I have to get crafty. G who could live on steak and potatoes swears I am making him fat. However having a limited food supply added to a picky eater,makes for complicated meal planning. I try to add things to the list as needed, and we sit down to make a meal plan for the week (which makes a shopping list easier!) He has yet to complain about the food. It is only after when his pants are tight that he complains. UGH.

5. Age: I find the age card dropped a lot. I feel like we got shoved into the old people section of our neighborhood. I have seen a ton of younger folks on the other side of the complex, however, our side seems to be inhabited by 45+

6. Decorating: We have similar tastes which is good. We both enjoy being crafty and agree that making decorations would be fun and cheaper. We also seem to lack focus, a work station, or a concrete idea of what we want. Bits and pieces are all around but have no focus.

7. Our Wedding: For whatever reason my 'girl switch' seems to have been flipped. During boring moments I have acquired a hefty amount of DIY wedding ideas, bridal dress sites. and OMG. there is so much. I wish i had help with this...

8. BUGS: Nuf said.

9. My hippie ways: For some reason I find myself abhorring bra's. I have worn a bra all of 7-8 times in the past 3 weeks. WTF is that?! I crave flowing fabric, dark colors, and sandals. I hate jeans, tight items, and confining bra's. I also seem to be letting my hair flow free. Less tight pony tails. I have not touched a brush, blow dryer or straightener in months. WOW.


I am SURE there is more, but my poor head is lost.

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The I Hates Have It

Goin along in my copycat fashion I have noticed a large amount of I hate videos. The gist of it is just a person venting their peeves. I hate this or I hate that. No bashing. Just Hating. Since I am currently sitting here looking rather unfashionable I decided to make a list. I seem to like lists! So here goes!!

I HATE:
1. People who come from good upstanding homes but insist on speaking "ghetto". I am not a dawg, boo, bitch, or gangsta. Frankly.. neither are you. You are not K-fed.

2. How every girl who happens to be skinny thinks they can be a model.

3. People who post half naked pictures on Facebook.

4. Finishing a book only to realize the next book in the series doesn't come out until next year.

5. People who take online games so seriously.

6. People who don't use their turn signals

7. Driving in traffic.

8. Family who thinks finishing college is as easy as telling me to. If you want to pay for it, FINE.

9. When a brand new lightbulb blows for no reason.

10. That gay couples are not given the same rights as EVERYONE else.

11. That we live in a world where most people are so poor they can't afford to feed their children, yet othersare so rich they never know what hard times are.

12. Judge Judy. She just annoys me to death.

13. That clothing stores only sell things up to a 'fashionable' size. As far as I am concerned, that is just another way to discriminate.

14. Standing in line.

15. Paying full price for an item, only to have it go on sale the next day.

16. Having a show cut halfway through the season.

17. Being corrected, even if I am wrong.

18. When you text, call, email, voicemail or whatever someone and they don't reply until it's too late.

19. Notes. If you are going to be sitting right in the next room do not tape a not to my wall, door, window, or mirror. Supose I don't go in that room that day, or don't see said note, or said note falls off. What then?!

20. Bugs. I just can't.

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A Note to My 17 Year old Self..

It's been a while. With all the changes(and a funny blog i read) I decided to write a message from current me to my 17 yr old self.

1. You are fine the way you are. Stop trying so hard to 'fit in'.

2. Bragging about your 'sexual' life does NOT make you cool, only desperate.

3. Your body is perfect you YOU. You were never meant to be super thin.

4. You will miss that old convertible you have. Drive it as often as you can before someone hits you and you can't anymore!

5. Your friends are not your whole life. Get to know your family better. In later years it will be them who you turn to for comfort and laughs not those girls you worshiped.

6. Missing a friendly outting is OKAY. You do not need to be present for every single coffee or random drive.

7. Pay more attention in school.Those good grades you've gotten are not an accurate guage of how much you have learned, but how easy your schools testing skills were. Later on you will wish your parents had sent you to a private school.

8. Stop trying so hard to meet a man. Just because other girls are serial dating does not mean you have to. You WILL meet someone amazing.

9. Really start deciding what you want out of life. What are your goals, your skills. Soon you will lose your way and wish you had looked more at those things than what you could fall back on.

10. You will feel a lot of regrets for stupid actions of your youth. It's ok, we learn from our mistakes.

11. Ask for the Vera Bradley purse. You will still have it to this day. It has a lot of memories and looks like a rag, but you will love it regardless.

12. Be nice, but do not get to be close friends with your friends boyfriends. However innocent you are things WILL get twisted around and you will be caught in a jealousy battle.

13. Your are beautiful without all that makeup. However, unless you wear at least some, people will always think you are too young.

14. Your parents are right. About most important things anyway.

15. Stop dressing like a bum. Sweatshirts, t-shirts with sayings and jeans are not fashionable and make you look lazy.

16. Wear better shoes. Your body will love you for it later. Flip flops and smelly sneakers are not all year wear. Buy a pair of heels.

17. You can not eat the large portions your thing friends eat. They wont gain the weight like you will. Eat what you like in moderation.

18. Stay active. It's easy to sit around doing nothing...but it catches up.

19. Those bad habits your friends are getting you into. Quit now.

20. Spend more time with your mom. You will only have her a few more years...

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