Getting Old While You Are Still Young

In the past few years I have begun to realize how fast I was forced to grow up.

In my 20's I should be out living life and having a ball. And, sometimes I do. Most of the time I don't. It's not for lack of trying. I just, do not enjoy it anymore.

Around the age of 6 I started going to my aunt's house after school. She had Multiple Sclerosis and 2 young sons. I would get off the bus and walk her oldest home. I was often left in charge of feeding them and changing them as her illness progressed. We moved when i was 8.

I had a few years of being a kid before my mom was dianosed with Multiple Sclerosis too, amoung various other illnesses. In the begining she was able to fend for herself, but it was always in the back of my mind that she would one day need me. As I got older, while my friends were having parties and sleepovers, it became harder to have them at my house. My mom was constantly getting worse and introducing her to things like colds were not a good idea. I hid her away iI admit it. Sometimes she would forget who I was, why would I want to share that?

Around 18, after one semester of college, my mother confessed that she had suffered through a deep depression over me leaving which had set her MS into a flair. Around this time her current Home Health Aid had come into some money and decided to quit. My mother asked me to come home. I did no questions asked and stayed until she died. 5 years. (so you can see I didnt just lose my mother, I lost my life, my job, my education and my friends)

Friends are not always the easiest thing to hold onto during these times. My friends wanted to go out and party or just out in general. In the begining I did those things, but as my mother came to rely on me more those things stopped. I had to cancel or come home early. On nights out to the bar I spent most of those nights as a designated driver because chances were my mom would need me when I got home.

At the time I felt like i was doing the right thing. In my mind I was being a good daughter. I took over cleaning, cooking, scheduling medical visits. I drove her where-ever she wanted. I did all her medicines and grocery shopping. I in essance became the sole caregiver and housewife. My father helped when he was able., but god love him, he was in his 60's with a bad back and working full time. I ended up taking care of him too.

I will never regret the times I had with my mother, but I don't have to like them. By my teens I was viewed by my elders as an equal because I was forced to grow up and see things most teens will never see. I really never got to enjoy those teen and young adult years becuase of the life I lived.

So on a night like tonight, when I know there is some "famous" host at our local downtown club complex, where my highschool friends are having a party for one of the girls, and the thought of going holds zero interest-I feel a bit sad. I wish I wanted to be there, to act crazy, make a few mistakes have a blast. I almost wish it even crossed their minds to think to invite me.They probably knew I wouldnt enjoy it anyways.It all just seems to pointless to me.