Happy Days

I'm happy. That in itself should be enough said. Glen surprised us both by coming home before noon yesterday. Although I think I was more surprised because I was sitting around in my pj's, considering sorting wash when I heard the front door unlock. My first instinct was to take a look, if worse came to worse I would dive back into the bedroom, lock the door and wait for help. I was pleasantly surprised to see my baby standing there! He apparently had had a lot of stress at work that day, with the heart attack looming only a little over a month ago his bosses decided they could handle things for the day, they called in a stand in for the weekend so he wouldn't be on call. Knowing them though, they will make him work extra to make up for half a day.

But, happiness was what the day was about. In trying to allow him cool down time, we cuddled for a while until he was sound asleep. Baby needs more sleep, he doesn't get enough! He ended up sleeping close to two hours. We had lunch of fresh home made herb flat bread and salad. YUM! After allowing him a few more hours of relaxing we had a yummy dinner of Mexican stuffed peppers... all low fat and healthy of course. Black wild rice, lean meat, onions, chopped peppers, cumin, chili powder, cayenne pepper for a kick and a small dollop of sour cream to cream it up. Stuffed the peppers and baked them for a half hour. He even had a glass of wine. Spoiled man!

We got our small grocery shop done which was much less stress than normal. Thank god for a holiday next week! That's 2 days of meals we didn't have to plan or shop for! We have a weird mix of food this week, so it should be interesting!

My whole weekend does feel off though. It feels like Sunday and not Saturday! I like having the extra time AND having him only work 3 days next week too! As for now, we need to get a move on. Haircuts, small holiday shopping, and a few small errands are on the list today!

blog on :D

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Did I miss something?

This morning I woke up, turned the coffee maker on, booted the laptop and checked FB as per usual. What I saw shocked me. I see my 17 year old posted a picture of her new car. I say new because she previously owned a Nissan truck in a gorgeous silver. Tricked out. Now she ALSO owns a 2010 Camero my uncle bought for her. This is the same uncle who is always singing poverty, tight fisted with his cash, so tight that he drives a truck nearly as old as me. I'm 24, j2s.

So here I am, 24, fighting day to day to make it. Feeling a little sad because I move and suddenly when I need them the most, my family forgets my birthday. Apparently she gets a Camero, a MAC, and a wave runner. I could see if she was the sort of kid who helped out around the house, was generous to her family... had a job? No. She's 17, gets what she wants, is currently grounded because she was being irresponsible with her current car and she bad mouths her parents. I wish just once my aunt would read her Facebook and see what a total bitch she is. I'm so green with envy I feel like being a tattler. SIGH

The moral of this story is, find a decent balance while parenting. Love your kids but don't spoil them into thinking that they deserve to get everything handed to them.

wtfever. Can someone cut me a break? Spoil me just once?

blog the eff on.

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Ring me out..but feed me good

Another day, another dollar. I feel like all anyone wants is money money money. I haven't got any. Literally. Yesterday I spent the afternoon on the phone with Allstate. They had sent me a bill for an insane amount of money that mad absolutely no sense. After an hours of trying to work with someone who spoke English as a second language, I finally got through to the main mess up. Apparently when i transfered my insurance to FL someone made a booboo. I paid first and last month at the time of transfer. Low and behold, I was not suposed to pay this until now, a month later. So rather than make a notation of this, they tried to pretend like I had never paid it. The man on the phone mumbled something about the bill being sent out after the payment was made...I smell bull sh*t. He claims that the bill was sent out *after* I made my payment. Except, I made my payment before the date it says on the bill. So clearly someone just screwed up. At least I don't owe anything until Dec. 27th now!

Add to this my phone calls with hospital billing departments sending out bills for things i already paid for in full a month ago. Annoyance. Does no one do their jobs anymore?! Seriously, I feel like half the time I'm speaking with someone new or just stupid. Putting me on hold for a half hour or mumbling does not make me go away, it only makes me pissed off. As I battle the unemployment game I intend to know where every cent of my money is going. But those two examples are not even my worst...

Banking. Now let me get this straight. You pretty much can't live without a bank account because so many people take only plastic or checks or money orders. You now intend to *charge* me money to keep a bank account. Honestly if my bank from Pa was anywhere around here I wouldn't leave them. But they aren't, so I went to a new bank in the area... Let's call it... Regional..(ha) The woman I met was great, boasting about their bank procedures, free checking, blah blah blah. I sign up, drop my last check in their bank and I feel pretty good about myself. Then right after I sign on the dotted line she turns and says "Now remember to keep this checking account free you must keep a minimum of $500 or 12 transactions." EXCUSE ME. Then she goes on to explain how if i don't they charge anywhere from 5-25 for the account a month. WTF. SO now I frantically look for another bank. The other 2 closest banks... lets call them Bank of Americus and Chase-aftaya both do the same thing. I think I may have to jump on the Wachovia band wagon and hope for the best.

I might just open a Chase account because it offers me 150 to open it... money is money.


In more happy news I made an excellent dinner last night. I so love the combinations of weird foods that turn out amazingly delicious.Drum roll please......

Cranberry Chicken Enchiladas....

I varied from the recipe a bit to make it a little less fattening/sodium containing

2 chicken breasts
1 can whole cranberry sauce
1 cup mexican blend cheese
taco sauce
8 low sodium low carb tortillas
3 tbsp fat free sour cream
1 cup black beans
1 green pepper chopped
1 onion chopped
cumin to taste
chili powder to taste
1 large baking pan
1 large bowl
tin foil

As I use fresh beans I soaked them over night. I precooked my chicken in the morning by adding a quarter can on cranberry sauce, water, cumin, chili powder and chicken breasts to my crock pot. Cooking it on high for 2 hours and low for an additional 3 made them extremely tender. I pulled the chicken out and shredded it with a fork setting it on the side until I needed it again. The remaining juices I put in a separate container.At the same time I added the beans and roughly 5 cups of water to a large pot and simmered them for 2 hours.

Next, an hour before you plan on eating you preheat the oven to 350 then take your chicken, 2 Tbsp sour cream, a few dashes of taco sauce, half the remaining cranberry sauce, green peppers, onions, 1/2 cup cheese and mix it together in a large bowl. Take out your tortillas , placing a heaping table spoon of the mixture onto one end of the shell, roll tightly from the filled end to the empty end to seal in the mixture. Place rolled tortillas seam side down in your large baking dish.Continue until you have rolled all 8 tortillas.

Now take the remaining cranberry sauce, 1 Tbsp of sour cream and a dash of taco sauce. Mix this together in a small bowl and spread the mixture on top to the rolled tortillas. Cover with tinfoil and bake for 45 minutes. Pull the pan out and carefully remove the tin foil. Sprinkle the remaining cheese on top and bake an additional 5-10 minutes or until fully melted.
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Honestly the combination grossed me out at first and ended up being fantastic. The sweetness added with the zing of taco sauce was fantastic. The original recipe called for turkey, salsa and corn tortillas. For us we got low sodium low carb tortillas. The best we have found in our area is La Banderita. Chichi's and all those other brands have nearly double what these have in regards to the bad stuff! 1g fat, 200mg sodium, 23g fiber. I still don't love the numbers and would be open for suggestions. We used taco bell taco seasoning which is about 40 mg sodium.

Hope you enjoy. Blog on :)

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Waste my time.

Seriously. Our apartment complex made a big deal about there being a safety inspection this week.They went around and posted notices letting us know they would be here from 7am-5pm ish. and would need someone to let them in. G and I spent the night cleaning up because we were unsure how invasive they would be.

I woke up early and did a final run through this morning. I waited...and waited. Waited some more. Finally, about 10 minutes ago there was a knock on the door. Two men from the inspection company. The older gentleman walks into my living room holding a clipboard. He turns to the other man and asks how many bedrooms. one. Large or small? Large sized. Then he turns to me, thanks me for my time and they leave!

That was it. I kid you not. They made a huge deal out of a 2 minutes intrusion. 2 minutes that caused me to wake up early. Stress about the large pile of laundry I have yet to start. I'm sincerely annoyed.

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Yes Dear

Recently I have found myself doing a lot of "Note to Self" and "Dear..."

Maybe I should just change the name of this blog to Yes, Dear.. haha

This is pretty much my thought process today:

Wake up:

Note to Self: remember to remove eyeliner before bed. You look like a racoon.
Dear Keurig, please make my coffee extra hot.

Cleaning the kitchen:

Dear garbage disposal, You smell. I need to dump some lemon rinds down you soon! wtf is that stank!?

Dear kitchen, how do you get so messy in one simple day?!

Dear dishwasher, why is it you suddenly start to fail. what am i doing wrong?!

dear maintenance crew, you said a WEEK. Today marks a week since you were last here and we sure as hell know you aren't going to show up over the weekend... So when exactly are you going to fix my oven?! One can not live on a heart heathly diet out of a toaster oven alone..

Note to self: buy sponges STAT

Shower:

note to self: razors. just... razors

Sitting around planning my day:

Dear neighbors, we've already been over you fail on halloween decor... thank you for finally removing your mushy pumpkins.

dear neighbors... have you had your baby yet?!

Dear mr squirrel picking at my mint plant. GET AWAY!

note to self, vacuum

SO yea... thats pretty much the notes that go through my head all day. half of them i forget anyways haha

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My life today.

So after that last post, I am feeling a bit better. This new healthy lifestyle is taking time to get used to.

Today:

Breakfast: 1 protein shake (banana, protein powder,fat free plain yogurt 2 tbsp, 4 ice cubes and a splash of calcium rich orange juice.)

Snack: 2 pieces of home made unseasoned beef jerky. 10 almonds.

lunch: will most likely consist of spinach salad. yumm

dinner: acorn squash or spaghetti squash. depending on my mood

I need to cut up some of the 3.5 lbs of top sirloin that we bought this weekend. it made awesome jerky this time around!!

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10.9.2010-A past day reference.

So, Saturday on the date stated above, my fiance had a heart attack. He is only36. It turned out after a morning of running around and finally realizing we needed to get to a hospital, that he had a 90% blockage in his left anterior descending artery, known fondly as part of the "Widow Maker". He could have died. Since then, they put in one stent, then had to replace the first one because it was not fully extended. I have spent 12+ days sitting bedside until they sent him home yesterday.

Yesterday was stressful and only added to the growing tension I have been feeling. After dealing with Doctors and nurses that would not tell me anything I was left terrified that if something happened again, because we are not married or blood they would just leave me there. Add to this I have become a horrible person.

I know that he was very sick. I know it was him and not me. And yet I can not help feeling a little pissed off at everyone in general. It seems that suddenly these people are popping up at of the wood work. No one called before, no one checked in, And suddenly I have all these people around pretending they give a shit, pretending that they are the ones who saved him, they are the ones who sat bedside, slept in horrible chairs while he recovered. Thats me. Just because they showed up once, for one day and talked about themselves the whole time, does not mean they suddenly give a crap. It pisses me off to see myself dismissed like that, or to see that fake caring they throw at him. I can't help but feel jealous, which i know is rediculous and I am being as bad as they are by making it about me. But aside from actually having the heart attack, it IS about me too. I'm the one who he is going to marry. I am the one that all the responsibility gets piled on later, and the one who would get blamed if something went wrong. I have to spend the rest of our lives (god willing) watching this.Worrying.

On the flip side of that, my anger is extended towards him as well. I thought after my mother passed on, that i was free. It sounds horrible but after 12 years of illness, 5 of those spent in my care, I was finally able to live my life without worrying about how to fit someone else's issues in my basket. I'm tired. I need a break and from one I get the other. God knows I love him, god knows I will stand by him no matter what..It's just...frustrating.

I'm going to go off and finish my egg whites omelet now.... and continue being a bad person. yup...

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Wow..

So the biggest differences between PA and FL stand:

In PA fall means yellowing leaves and the smell of campfires.
In FL fall means it's finally cool enough to walk outside and not fully melt. Oct 3.86 degrees. HA

In PA if you find a bug wanders into your house...chances are it is no larger than your thumb nail. It will probably be a gnat, assorted spider or annoying bug.

In FL if you find a bug chances are it is bigger than your entire thumb. Imagine sitting on the potty looking down and seeing a large bug on the floor. FREAK.. now imagine after a night out with friends you stumble into the bathroom, do your business and then go to wash the hands... there is a GIANT mother effin roach bigger than your thumb crawling past your tooth brush holder... MAJOR FREAK.

FL, please feel free to save your giant bugs for only when G is home. I can not handle the largeness.

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Blah

I am so bored lately. I find myself sitting around. wandering the small apartment as if something exciting will happen. I have become boring. Nothing excites me the way it used to. My computer holds my interest only if and when my fav bloggers have graced the web with a new post that is interesting. Even then it doesn't always entertain me now. I used to play games for hours. Literally. I would wake up, game, eat, game, insert daily life things, game.

Now I don;t even want to play. I have closed down all but one or two of my accounts. Even REAL LIFE is a bore. We went to the movies today and I found myself unable to do something as simple as recalling facts from the book the movie was based on. What is wrong with me>?!?!?! I make these plans, get up and get dressed every day only to disappoint myself. I sit at home until he gets here and sometimes we go out. Usually out means getting to thew laundry until we get out washer and dryer, or going to: the book store, the grocery store, the other book store, walmart, target or old navy. Then we go home. Once a week we go out to eat. Glen drinks a beer or two and we go home. We sit on the couch in silence watching tv and or reading a book. Or we do what we are doing at this moment. We sit at our desks, his in the living room, mine in the bedroom and type. Lord knows what he does, I sit here and type, or surf the web in hopes of new excitement. Not likely.

I'm not unhappy with HIM, I'm more unhappy with me. I feel unmotivated, fat, lazy and depressed. I can't seem to get the job, the school anything. Fuck.

Anywho. Excuse my pity party tonight. I'm a little down with the weather. I had a fun day planned. We would take a drive to one of the state parks, hop on a ferry and go to some gorgeous beach area. We might swim, or just hangout. I thought the outdoorsy thing would be fun. I planned a picnic. Subs, macaroni and potato salad. Yum. Frozen bottles of water and juice to take the edge off the heat. I even bought a new swim suit. And we woke up to pouring rain. Every day it's upper 90's and sunny enough to be too hot. The ONE time I plan to do something. Plan. I mean PLAN. It rains. It rained all day, until after 5 when it was too late to catch a ferry or enjoy the picnic. We went to a movie and ate out picnic food at home on the couch. Because we don;t have a table yet. HA. Maybe tomorrow will hold something interesting.

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Things I've Learned..

Since my move:

1. Shower Curtains: After 15 years of having shower doors I have lost the ability to understand shower curtains. The repeated air billowing that causes my curtains to puff up drives me insane. Different Heights, Different sizes... does not matter. After a week of repeated 'Psycho' movie references I am almost willing to pay for doors.

2. STUFF: Just because I don't have a lot of stuff, does not mean he doesn't. I MOVED with all my things including most of the kitchen stuff, in my one car. His stuff took 4 car trips, multiple boxes and half of my living room floor at the moment.

3. Human interaction: NEED. A week at home is driving me mad. My only human interaction consists of the creepy old man at the laundry, a talkative neighbor who chain smokes and G. I find myself wandering around the stoop in hopes someone will stop and talk to me. I consider going to the grocery store just to be near someone. I leave the tv on all day to hear noise.

4. Food Prep: Getting used to a new kitchen lay out is hard. Getting used to cooking all the meals is harder. Aside from a lunch or two G has cooked I do it all. I find myself skipping breakfast because I can not stand to be in the kitchen.

4.5. Weight Gain: With the cooking falling on me and the limited food budget I have to get crafty. G who could live on steak and potatoes swears I am making him fat. However having a limited food supply added to a picky eater,makes for complicated meal planning. I try to add things to the list as needed, and we sit down to make a meal plan for the week (which makes a shopping list easier!) He has yet to complain about the food. It is only after when his pants are tight that he complains. UGH.

5. Age: I find the age card dropped a lot. I feel like we got shoved into the old people section of our neighborhood. I have seen a ton of younger folks on the other side of the complex, however, our side seems to be inhabited by 45+

6. Decorating: We have similar tastes which is good. We both enjoy being crafty and agree that making decorations would be fun and cheaper. We also seem to lack focus, a work station, or a concrete idea of what we want. Bits and pieces are all around but have no focus.

7. Our Wedding: For whatever reason my 'girl switch' seems to have been flipped. During boring moments I have acquired a hefty amount of DIY wedding ideas, bridal dress sites. and OMG. there is so much. I wish i had help with this...

8. BUGS: Nuf said.

9. My hippie ways: For some reason I find myself abhorring bra's. I have worn a bra all of 7-8 times in the past 3 weeks. WTF is that?! I crave flowing fabric, dark colors, and sandals. I hate jeans, tight items, and confining bra's. I also seem to be letting my hair flow free. Less tight pony tails. I have not touched a brush, blow dryer or straightener in months. WOW.


I am SURE there is more, but my poor head is lost.

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The I Hates Have It

Goin along in my copycat fashion I have noticed a large amount of I hate videos. The gist of it is just a person venting their peeves. I hate this or I hate that. No bashing. Just Hating. Since I am currently sitting here looking rather unfashionable I decided to make a list. I seem to like lists! So here goes!!

I HATE:
1. People who come from good upstanding homes but insist on speaking "ghetto". I am not a dawg, boo, bitch, or gangsta. Frankly.. neither are you. You are not K-fed.

2. How every girl who happens to be skinny thinks they can be a model.

3. People who post half naked pictures on Facebook.

4. Finishing a book only to realize the next book in the series doesn't come out until next year.

5. People who take online games so seriously.

6. People who don't use their turn signals

7. Driving in traffic.

8. Family who thinks finishing college is as easy as telling me to. If you want to pay for it, FINE.

9. When a brand new lightbulb blows for no reason.

10. That gay couples are not given the same rights as EVERYONE else.

11. That we live in a world where most people are so poor they can't afford to feed their children, yet othersare so rich they never know what hard times are.

12. Judge Judy. She just annoys me to death.

13. That clothing stores only sell things up to a 'fashionable' size. As far as I am concerned, that is just another way to discriminate.

14. Standing in line.

15. Paying full price for an item, only to have it go on sale the next day.

16. Having a show cut halfway through the season.

17. Being corrected, even if I am wrong.

18. When you text, call, email, voicemail or whatever someone and they don't reply until it's too late.

19. Notes. If you are going to be sitting right in the next room do not tape a not to my wall, door, window, or mirror. Supose I don't go in that room that day, or don't see said note, or said note falls off. What then?!

20. Bugs. I just can't.

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A Note to My 17 Year old Self..

It's been a while. With all the changes(and a funny blog i read) I decided to write a message from current me to my 17 yr old self.

1. You are fine the way you are. Stop trying so hard to 'fit in'.

2. Bragging about your 'sexual' life does NOT make you cool, only desperate.

3. Your body is perfect you YOU. You were never meant to be super thin.

4. You will miss that old convertible you have. Drive it as often as you can before someone hits you and you can't anymore!

5. Your friends are not your whole life. Get to know your family better. In later years it will be them who you turn to for comfort and laughs not those girls you worshiped.

6. Missing a friendly outting is OKAY. You do not need to be present for every single coffee or random drive.

7. Pay more attention in school.Those good grades you've gotten are not an accurate guage of how much you have learned, but how easy your schools testing skills were. Later on you will wish your parents had sent you to a private school.

8. Stop trying so hard to meet a man. Just because other girls are serial dating does not mean you have to. You WILL meet someone amazing.

9. Really start deciding what you want out of life. What are your goals, your skills. Soon you will lose your way and wish you had looked more at those things than what you could fall back on.

10. You will feel a lot of regrets for stupid actions of your youth. It's ok, we learn from our mistakes.

11. Ask for the Vera Bradley purse. You will still have it to this day. It has a lot of memories and looks like a rag, but you will love it regardless.

12. Be nice, but do not get to be close friends with your friends boyfriends. However innocent you are things WILL get twisted around and you will be caught in a jealousy battle.

13. Your are beautiful without all that makeup. However, unless you wear at least some, people will always think you are too young.

14. Your parents are right. About most important things anyway.

15. Stop dressing like a bum. Sweatshirts, t-shirts with sayings and jeans are not fashionable and make you look lazy.

16. Wear better shoes. Your body will love you for it later. Flip flops and smelly sneakers are not all year wear. Buy a pair of heels.

17. You can not eat the large portions your thing friends eat. They wont gain the weight like you will. Eat what you like in moderation.

18. Stay active. It's easy to sit around doing nothing...but it catches up.

19. Those bad habits your friends are getting you into. Quit now.

20. Spend more time with your mom. You will only have her a few more years...

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Since No One Reads This..

I can tell my new secret...

I..am..engaged.

I am still trying to wrap my little brain around this. There was surprise, one knee, a ring, a little speech that I pretty much missed because I was too busy staring in shock. I don't know where the shock came from. It's not like I did not know to expect it. Just.... not now.

We have spoken about it, probably for months. We pretty much have our 'wedding' planned out because neither of us want a big affair; I hate the attention and this is G's second marraige.

Married. Holy shhhh.. I really am a little freaked out. I know he wanted to talk to my Dad before hand, but being as this weekend was jammed, and any time we weren;t surrounded by family, he was sleeping...the talk didnt happen.

You can blame me. We have a bit of a long time 'joke', if you will. Involving what I call shinies. G does a great job with jewelry, and it is almost always something with some sort of shiny stone. thus... shinies. I had gotten my dander up and had spent the past few weeks joking about shinies. Then just before the wedding weekend, he had been excited with his savings of recent. I had told him he could buy me a pretty, fun gift...I was expecting something like silly jammies or a candy necklace. More jokes. The night of the ring, I was being a nag. I wanted to know what was my present?! Had be brought me sand from the beach? whhhaaat. Eventually he dropped to the knee.

I don;t know if my dad is happy or not. He seemed confused. As if I did not know that a diamond ring generally leads to a wedding band and all of that. Did he think he raised a fool. I know I am his baby, but in fact I am OLDER than my sister was when she was married. And it's not like I plan to go out and get married next week.

G spilled the beans to my sisters. I really did not want to tell anyone until after the wedding weekend. I didn't want to steal the spotlight from the bride and groom. Instead I was ambushed in the bathroom by them. I tried to make it clear I was not wearing a ring because I have fatty fingers and needed it sized. I was not telling them first, because i wanted to wait a few days. My dad hasnt mentioned it since. I guess he is waiting for G to hop on a plane back to work before he corners me. I have to say, I am NOT looking forward. He has a way of stewing, cornering and totally overlooking the facts. He sees: I am youngish, I havent been spouting love letters and wedding talk (with HIM) and I am SURE he has a million opinions. At least my sisters seemed happy.

It bums me that he might rain on my parade; I have not even told anyone yet because I wanted him to be first. It bums me out that he knows it will be hard enough without my mom, let alone having him be displeased for reasons that don;t make sense. It bums me out to see the looks of pleasure on his face when my sister's told him. Neither if THEIR men even bothered to talk things over with him. At least G wanted to try, he made the effort and still insisted on telling him face to face man to man, before anyone else.

So. EEEEK

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Dancing Queen

I have always been a wierd sleeper.

As a child I could sleep anywhere anytime if I was tired. Regardless of the tempeture, cushioning and sounds around me. A specific example of this being about 9 yrs old at my dad's friend's house while they watched a big pay per view boxing match. I feel asleep infront of a big screen tv, surround sound and about 15 yelling men. Did not even phase me.

As I got a little older sleeping became harder. I would lay around for hours not sleeping but once I hit tht sleep mode nothing could wake me up. 15 years old, mini tornado tour of the steeple of a church less than 1 mile from my home. My parents actually packed up and moved into the basement and left me because I would not wake up.

Now, I hardly sleep. There are nights I don't even start to feel tired until 4 or 5 in the morning. my doctor tried sleep tests and sleeping pills. He recvently convinced me that I should take the sample he had with 2 in it.

I took one tonight and i feel like I am losing it. my concentration is out the door. But I am still not tired. juist extremely wierd. It is hard to explain except it feels like all the cellls in my body are dancing , while myself as a whole is swimming throuigh thickened air.

I think i wont take these again. good night.

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Ho Hum

Nothing out of the ordinary today. Well that's not really true is it? I slept till 1pm today, which was... different. I also cheated on the eating healthy. I found this amazing smelling garlic herb roll. I added a teaspoon of riccotta cheese and sprinkle of garlic, oregano and mozarella to each. Popped it in the toaster. Yummmmms.

Other than that I just relaxed all day and mooned over the obviously rain-ready weather. Why is it the days I am most busy are ther days it is most nice out. I really would love to sit in the sun.

So, today I am boring. Doing laundry and chatting with G <3

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Fridayness

I am trying really hard to eat healthier. It might be too little too late for my weight. But, I am still trying. For lunch today I had a small salad with a light vinegar dressing I make at home:

-Balsamic vinegar
-SMALL drop of fat free peanut butter
-small amount of extra virgin olive oil.

Whisk and adjust to taste. If you like a bitter sweet dressing, skip the peanut butter and add a half a packet of splenda, or your prefered sweetener.

I also took a small chicken breast. I sliced it thinly, and steamed it. No butter, no seasonings. I then added a quater of that to my salad. As a treat for myself I gave myself 5 baby carrot sticks and a table spoon of a spinach dip I made a few days ago. The spinach dip isnt really great for you but it's a little something to keep me from feeling like i am being deprived!

-2 cups chopped spanish;washed and drained.
-1/2 cup fat free mayo
-16 oz of fat free sour cream
-1 package of nors vegetable dip

Generally this is an appetizer served in a hollowed out bread bowl. Then one would fan out veggies, and bagel chips to dip with. However if u just make the dip, you will have a TON. If it is just you eating it, I find making half of that recipe is good. You will stil have PLENTY of dip, enough to last at least a week.

To drink i substituted my normal green tea for an acai and pomegranate juice I bought at the health store yesterday. It is a bit sweet for my taste. I poured half a serving into a glass with 8 oz of water as well. It diluted it enough to make it a refreshing juice drink. I only bought a small bottle which has 11.5 oz, 2 servings. So only use a quater of that bottle!

I feel a lot better which is good. And as much as my body is craving salty, chocolate-y goodness. I am not giving in as baddly as I would in the past. I found a bad of left over chocolates and am allowing myself one every other day.

While I am feeling better, my period if throwing me for a loop. I supose it is all those months of not having one! Spring cleaning , haha. I went to the mall yesterday wearing the normal tampon and pad for backup. I came armed with 2 other tampons 'just in case'. I spent a total of 3 hours shopping between the mall and a few random shops, plus groceries. I went through everything I had. Thank god for the pad! I ended up buying heavier duty everythings becasue I got nervous. By the time I got home I was tired, achey and the excessive bleeding was finally stopping. I have NEVER had it that baddly before. I was a little scared. It seemed to be better this morning. So, fingers crossed!

Happy Weekend Lovelies. One week and counting until my baby is home and my cousins weekend wedding!!

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Wednesday

Well, after nearly 4 months of no period. I finally got it.

I am usually late/never get it for months. My longest was 6 months.

I took a pregnancy test after my second skipped period because I had a lot of wierdness going on. Weight gain, even with eating less and exercising more, breast swelled a little. I was cranky, tired and my stomach always felt sour. I thought... I don't know, Maybe?

I want to me a mom, and I know with some medical issues, that it would be hard. I thought with everything going on it could be stress, or a flair of PCOS, which would be sad and sucky. Saddly I think it was the latter.

Glen and I have talked about kids. Given our age difference, we both agree that we don't want to end up like my parents. While my mom was 30 when she had me, my dad was 42. By the time I was graduating highschool and ready to see the world, he was getting ready to retire.

Obviously we both agree that we would prefer to be married and settled before we have kids, if it happened, neither of us would look upon it as a bad thing. I think in the back of my mind, with my sister losing her 7 yr old, then both sisters having miscarried a few times,and losing mom... I guess I kind of hoped for a bit of a shining light. Oh well.

I am bleeding really heavy today, which is ok I guess. I just feel crampy and tired. It also explains my wild mood swings the past few weeks.I have to wear a pad because I am bleeding right through the tampons during the heaviest times. It is pretty gross. I feel kinda sad though. It is hard to explain. I mean, I knew I was not pregnant after I took my little pee stick test, But still.

Anyway, In lighter news, Scott and Nicole are getting married next week. I a super excited. I am also strongly ignoring the fact that I will have to stand up infront of all my friends and family and READ. It makes me nervous to my core. I have issues standing up in front of people I won;t care if they judge me. But this... this is scary. Being the first reader I set the low bar for everyone to jump over, god i hope someone messes up!

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Friday rant

I need to have a b*tchy moment, because I am supremely pissed off.

About a month ago I recieved an inheritance tax notice from my state. This pissed me off because they were taxing MY accounts al because my mother had helped me open the accounts 6 years before she passed away. So i have to pay the state my money because they believed that i inherited it from her. That in itself is bullshit to me.

I called, moaned, groaned and basically had a semi informative conversation with one of the agents at the head tax place across the state. I followed the directions, filled out 2 seperate checks, and mailed it out the day I recieved the noticed. Two of them. Two weeks later I received a receipt of payment.

A month later(today), I see the exact same letters in my mail.With INTREST. WTF is this? I call during a half hour break, and am put on hold for 15 minutes. Before the woman could demand accounts numbers and stuff I cut her off. I explained I had a simple question, provided her the "estate" name, and account number. I tell her my question. I payed this a month ago, I have a receipt as well as a copy of the two checks from my bank, showing them as cashed by the state. The woman pauses..clicks away. She then informs me that she had no record of payment made and puts me on hold for another 10 minutes. Finally she comes back. Apparently how these things go, I am suposed to recieve the first notice from a local office, I pay the local office and provide an extra copy of my forms to the local office. They get two copies If you are following me. I followed the rules, I did this. Well within the 30 day limit.

After they have cashed my checks, they are suposed to include a copy of my receipt, and one of my enclosed copies to be mailed out. This is suposed to be mailed out to the head office at the state capital. The state capital office is then suposed to issue a paid in full for my records. Apparently somewhere between recieving my receipt, and them mailing the proper forms to their mother ship, they forgot. Someone did not mail me forms until the first of this month.

The woman, (and I use this term loosely because she sounded like a gum chewing 18 year old) on the line informs me that because my payment was recieved late I would have to pay the late fee. HELL NO. I informed her that that was simply impossible, as I had copies of when the checks were recieved and cashed. Two days after the original letter was recieved, and two days after I had mailed my checks in. This was well within the alotted time frame. I demanded that this issue be fixed, or I would be speaking to the head supervisor. After another 5 minutes of typing she finally informed me that she could indeed see the dates recieved and I would not be help responsible afterall, as it was the mistake of our local tax offices.

So all in all, while i originally paid money I felt was taken incorrectly from me, I did not have to pay any additional fees. I suspect this was all a ploy to squeeze me for more money. Not happening.

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Tuesday

I am in a wierd funk and I can not get out.

Somehow I have gotten into a routine of going to bed...LATE(or early?) and waking up late. It is getting rediculous. I have no idea how it happened really. I was going to bed at a normal hour and waking up at a late, but acceptable time of 9:30. Suddenly I find myself going to bed at 4 am and waking at 12. What is this?!

Add to the funk, my total lack of motivation. It is beinging to feel like a chore just to get up and move areound for the day. I also have a messed up eating schedule. All through the day I am not hungry. I eat because I know I have to. Salads with raisans and almonds (yuuum), Homemade vinegarettes, fruit, reaaaaallll food. Come midnight and my stomach growls as if I have been starving myself. I just do not get it.

The other day I got this craving for a hambuger. I ran to the store, got some fixin's for a good burger, cooked it, set it up.....annnd... By the time I actually got said buger into my mouth, I no longer wanted it. To my great disappointment, I had spent time and energy on something and had already changed my mind.

Maybe I am going slowly insane? Who knows.

In an effort to be a girl, I did my hair and makeup today. By did my hair, I mean I ran some balm into my streess free locks. Curly hair is AWESOME. Add to that my new summer goddess makeup. The bronzer makes my skin crave sunlight. However, the outdoors is NOT workiing with me. Gloomy rainy cloudy days, and sunny windy cold days. It is literally impossible to enjoy a decent day outside.

I am listening to the madonna week of Glee. Yes, I am a HUGE Gleek.Loves it. I am a little stress that their is already of a Volume 3 already. The cd's will put my in the poor house haha. I kid.

Off to run a MILLION errands. Okay, 5, but they will take at least the next....4 hours. SIGH

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You make me wanna say

What happened to real music.

Maybe I have a different sense of 'real' music than most people my age. I saw a Facebook post saying "wow, Usher's OMG is PERFECTION' so naturally I felt compeled to search it down and listen. It is not perfection! I loved Usher. I spent my hard earned money to see him in concert and I will admit i even joined in a rushing of the stage. That was back when he spent more time dancing and singing then fiddling with his voice changers and crying about his baby-mama's.

Gone is the days of crooners and true vocal abilities. In are the days of sythesized music and fakeness. I remember as a kid my mom gave me one of those microphones that echoed your voice and made you sound all fake voiced. Apparently this handy dandy childs toy is the inspiration for today's music.

I really do not care to listen to what sounds like someone making a fake voice on the computer. Give me a real singing voice, with real lyrics instead of repeating the same 1-2 lines OVER and over. Really. Please? Are my 23 year old ears that oldfashioned that I can not handle this pathetic attempt at 'music'?

I do not claim to have ANY vocal abilities, but that does not mean I am tone deaf and so dumb I will believe the robot voice really comes from you. It doesn't.

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A Birthing Story.

But not really!

I woke up this morning to a pounding on my door. Before I could even get my mind to realize it wasn't a stampede of drunken elephants, my door swung open. There stood my father panting, in track pants and a winter sweater. What...the...? My normally well dressed father looked like he had gotten dressed in the dark. There he stood, panting and moaning.

" What is wrong?!", I exclaimed, still slightly in dream world.

He explained that he was feeling pain in his leg and the surgeon had instructed him to go to the hospital. All i could picture was-this is what it would be like to take someone in labor to the hospital. For a few minutes I felt like I was in a time warp and my father was having a baby. I blame to semi-asleepness.

So I haul out of bed screeching about my wild lady hair, and begin frantically looking for clothes.

"Don't you worry, I'll get you there!", I half mumble as I continue digging. A throat clear from behind me.

"We ..uh... don't need to be there until 1:00", he informs me. I glance at the clock which proudly tells me it is not even 10 yet, meaning I still have a few more hours of sleep. At this point I think my body went into instant snooze. I gently pushed him out before closing my door and crawling back into bed.

Needless to say, I am now up,showered ,dressed and a little bit skeptical. He claims he has been in unbareable pain all night. Yet he is sitting downstairs watching old cowboy movies and drinking coffee, laughing away. Something feels off, like I might still be dreaming? I think maybe he just needs a little more attention than one person has to give him.

hmm. More to come on what I am sure will be an interesting emergancy visit

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I saw the sun

And a cloud monster ATE IT!

Seriously.

Dear Weather,

My name is Jessica. I have a wedding in a month and I am severely in need of a tan.
After a terribly long winter spent indoors, my spanish skin has started to look....pale. This is simply unacceptable. I would much appreciate it if you could spray some de-cloud. My skin craves the sun, and perhaps a but of a tan. Hopefully I will not have to resort to a tanning bed or self tanner in the meantime.

Yes, I understand it is possibly to get sun even with clouds. However I feel it is impossible to sit outside when it is raining, snowing, below 50 degrees or the clouds are so thick it looks like fog.

Please take my idea into consideration!

Thanks,

Albino chica.

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Getting Old While You Are Still Young

In the past few years I have begun to realize how fast I was forced to grow up.

In my 20's I should be out living life and having a ball. And, sometimes I do. Most of the time I don't. It's not for lack of trying. I just, do not enjoy it anymore.

Around the age of 6 I started going to my aunt's house after school. She had Multiple Sclerosis and 2 young sons. I would get off the bus and walk her oldest home. I was often left in charge of feeding them and changing them as her illness progressed. We moved when i was 8.

I had a few years of being a kid before my mom was dianosed with Multiple Sclerosis too, amoung various other illnesses. In the begining she was able to fend for herself, but it was always in the back of my mind that she would one day need me. As I got older, while my friends were having parties and sleepovers, it became harder to have them at my house. My mom was constantly getting worse and introducing her to things like colds were not a good idea. I hid her away iI admit it. Sometimes she would forget who I was, why would I want to share that?

Around 18, after one semester of college, my mother confessed that she had suffered through a deep depression over me leaving which had set her MS into a flair. Around this time her current Home Health Aid had come into some money and decided to quit. My mother asked me to come home. I did no questions asked and stayed until she died. 5 years. (so you can see I didnt just lose my mother, I lost my life, my job, my education and my friends)

Friends are not always the easiest thing to hold onto during these times. My friends wanted to go out and party or just out in general. In the begining I did those things, but as my mother came to rely on me more those things stopped. I had to cancel or come home early. On nights out to the bar I spent most of those nights as a designated driver because chances were my mom would need me when I got home.

At the time I felt like i was doing the right thing. In my mind I was being a good daughter. I took over cleaning, cooking, scheduling medical visits. I drove her where-ever she wanted. I did all her medicines and grocery shopping. I in essance became the sole caregiver and housewife. My father helped when he was able., but god love him, he was in his 60's with a bad back and working full time. I ended up taking care of him too.

I will never regret the times I had with my mother, but I don't have to like them. By my teens I was viewed by my elders as an equal because I was forced to grow up and see things most teens will never see. I really never got to enjoy those teen and young adult years becuase of the life I lived.

So on a night like tonight, when I know there is some "famous" host at our local downtown club complex, where my highschool friends are having a party for one of the girls, and the thought of going holds zero interest-I feel a bit sad. I wish I wanted to be there, to act crazy, make a few mistakes have a blast. I almost wish it even crossed their minds to think to invite me.They probably knew I wouldnt enjoy it anyways.It all just seems to pointless to me.

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Nostalgia, Reviews and a Little bit of This and That.

Generally I am not one to really look back and mourn the old days. But lately I have a little bit.

This is not a whine about lost friendships, old stories, or missing family. Bloggers, it is you I miss. I miss the old blogs when people sat around and just, ya know, wrote. Now when you open a person's blog you will most certainly find a few messy sentences put together with a ton of pictures to support the heavy load of the blog. While ,granted, some blogs, like fashion blogs, rely on a picture to help you grab an idea, please put a little effort into the actual written part. Give me something more than a link to a store where I can get the item shown, or its knock-off sister.

Please, please do not get me wrong. I enjoy pictures. I really do, but just every once in a while I would love to sit down with my coffee and read. After all, this is an internet journel (so i supose you can say I am a snoop), but I like to sit down and read a little bit just to feel like I learn something about you.

I love an author like Amy from lifeinslowmotion. She hold nothing back and it is wonderful. To read about her pregnancy and raising her young daughter makes you feel like you are apart of her life. Beyond her children she blogs about her beliefs, her likes and dislikes and her little 'farm'. I can honestly say, without ever having met this woman or ever having the chance to meet her in the future, that I feel as if I know her. She is candid and smart. I enjoy seeing what I will learn from her any given week. To date I have learned the good and bad of pregnancies, how to sprout a small crop of my own veggies, how to raise chickens, and the list goes on.

I also enjoy a more recently found blogger, Allie from HyperboleandaHalf .She is without a doubt the funniest blogger I have stumbled across. Her witty banter and hilarious pictures leave me craving for more. She is an example of someone who can equal out the ratio of picture vs. storyline. Regardless if all her wild tales are true or false, she is someone who knows how to hold an audiences attention. I know on a bad day a story my Allie will leave me with a little smile on my face!

I supose I really have no say in the world of bloggery because, really, who am I? I don't have any fans, and chances are I don't have any readers. Honestly that doesn't bother me. In a world where we often have to censor our thoughts so as not to upset someone, here we can all be our real selves.But that in itself is a whole other story!

I don't claim to be a blog genius. I love run-on sentences, bad grammar and the occasional nonsensical post. On the off chance one of the two bloggers I mentioned actually reads this: My intention was not to make you feel uncomfortable as a blogger. I really just wanted to state that I enjoyed your blogs.That is all. No stalker tendancies, scouts honor. *grin*

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Hey Hey~ Pay Attention to me!

I thought of a sickness story for you. It involves my whole week!

Sunday: I woke up feeling like ass. Everything hurt i felt like a spiked demon had crawled into my mouth while i slept and attached to my tonsil. My nose started oozing copious amounts of fluids. I considered the option of death as i layed in my bed until 6am wheezing and drowning in my own secretion.

Monday: As i staggered down the stairs my father looks at me."You look like crap!..uh..not to be mean or anything its just that...welll..." I think i croaked out a thank you as i rummaged through the drawers for a knife to cut my tonsils out. My father eventually took pity on me and made me an appointment with my Doctor. After a few hums and ews. He mumbles something like "nnaasssty" after looking in my ears, nose and throat. He also seemed skeptical about my only having felt sick for one day ahead of this. I immadiately began picturing all the illnesses I could have.

Side note: I seem to teeter on the line of normal and hypochondria. Usually i fall over the line and begin to imagine that I have cancer, or will need some sort of transplant. I begin to think of what life would be like IF....

Tuesday: After another night of wheezing and drowning in my own snot, I was even more exhausted. I began to actually consider that my doctor was wrong and I had a horrible illness and not just a severe infection. I remember laying in my bed, whistless and praying to the gods to have pity on me. They pitied me by adding a painful hacking cough to my list. Eventually it occured to me that the annoying noise I kept hearing was someone at the door. After i staggered down the stairs gingerly whiping my red nose and coughing like i was fighting for my last breath, I finally made it to the door. There stood a giant, hair, dirty man."Wow, are you going to die? You look horrible!," exclaims my new giant. Apparently this man didnt know what tact was. I told him i have the plague and he was going to die just for looking at me. He seemed a little uncomfortable. Hell if i know why though.

Tuesday Night: I had determined that I was going to sleep if it killed me. It nearly did. I took my prescribed meds, rubbed some vicks, and drank some tea. Shortly after settling into bed with my book to watch Glee, I had to pee. I dragged my listless body from bed and immediately collapsed. After attempting and failing a few times to get up I decided to just lay down for a bit and hope to not pee myself. I remember staring at a crumpled tissue as if it was my sole reason for surviving. Eventually I made it to my feet. The world would not stop titling! I made it to the bathroom, which was no small accomplishment as I nearly fell down the stairs. After falling asleep on the toilet for no specified amount of time I began to worry. It crossed my mind to wake my dad so he could decide if i needed a doctor. But, since his surgery, he can not drive. If i woke him I would still have to get myself there, which clearly was not going to happen. Eventually after a few false starts, I made it back to bed. I prayed that I would wake up.


By the way,judging by the hail outside. It's a good thing I already made myself collect the trash. Yipes

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Stop! It's sexy time

Hair frazzled and perma pony-tailed? check

Nose red, pealing and runny? check

Loss of taste and smell? check

I do believe that classifies me in crappy sickness. I am horribly infected and in dire need of sleep.

It hasnt been a good week and frankly I am too tired to come up with an interesting story. Be happy to know I still live.

blog on

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Stick a Fork in Me, I'm DONE

I went to the Doctor this afternoon, and it was the first time I did not spend 4 hours or more there! Score!

After answering a bunch of questions from the nurse, I was finally about to see my Doc. He inspected my ears, nose and throat. After typing furiously on his little handy-dandy laptop, he looks to me and exclaims, "You must have been sick for at least a week! Why did you not call sooner?!". Meanwhile I have only been sick for about 2 days. So where did this magic virus come from?! Apparently I am a disgusting mix of sinus ,ear and throat infections thus rendering me retarded. I am unable to breath, eat or sleep without wishing for death. My ears are continuously popping as if the altitude is changing. I have a fever.

I have 2 inhalers, 20 days of antibiotics and a nasal spray. Please god, let something kick in and dull my pain before I lose my mind. Granted I don't have some life threatening illness, but losing the ability to breath while drowning in my mucus. SIGH...

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Am I allergic to people?

In the past few weeks (months, years whateveeer) we have not had many people in our house.Yesterday my dads cousins decided to invite him and his wife over. They bring their dog Petie. I really can not say if Petie was make or female or just confused. With a boys name and a jeweled pink color, who can really be sure. Petie proceeded to attack every garbage can it could get its paws on. Seriously people. Why have a dog if you have to bring it everywhere because if you leave it home it will tear your house apart?! And why must you bring it to my non-dog friendly home. really not. common sense people.

Anyway, I have been feeling pretty crappy this weekend but i chalked it up to being busy.With Pop useless that leaves me to do all the housework plus any errands he can think up. As you can imagine, he can never seem to lump things together into one day.Thus, I have been busier than normal.

Add to that achey, tired, irritable and an annoyingly runny nose. I figured busy time and allergies. Of course my body would choose a Sunday to break down on me! I awoke this morning wheezing, feeling like i have swallowed a golf ball, runny nose, tearing eyes, achey feverish and downright pissed off.WHYYYYYYYYYY?! This ALWAYS happens. I am like a walking illness factory. So I am sitting here staring at a large amount of over the counter meds hoping something will help so i wont have to go to the DR. GAHHHHH.

I'm going to bed. the end.
blog on

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Earthquakes and other fun things

So, with all the recent earthquakes, you can imagine my surprise to be woken up to what appaeared to be an earthquake in PA! I hauled out of bed wild-eyed and smeared with drool (sexxxy). My bed room was shaking with what felt like small aftershocks of an earthquake. Or at least what I imagined them to feel like.

After frantically pulling on my cacoon of sheets and blankets and shrieking ,"EARTHQUAKE . OH MY GOD OH MY GOD", I realized my father coule be hurt somewhere. So being the super-hero I am, I rushed from my room and into his,EMPTY. As I was fleeing down the stairs shouting I noticed 5 men standing on my front yard. To say the least, they looked...work haggard and grungy. Immediately my mind filled with stories of looting and derelicts gone wild.

We have nothing of value. Go away! Then I realize the shaking has stopped. I look around and spot my father calmly eating breakfast as if we hadn't just lived through an earth quake. Did he not feel that?! Why is he not freaking out?! Is it even possible to have a earthquake in PA?

I return to my post near the window and realize the previously mentioned men are holding large equipment. Then it hits me. We were having out from porch and walk way demo'd today.

::facepalm::

After that I decided it was best to keep a low profile so i wouldn't start screaming 'flood' when then power washed the crap away.

Thats all for now!

Blog on

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Deoderant is not tasty

I was out running errands, grabbed for my little box of tic tacs and suddenly my mouth was all cakey and dried up! OMG what is happening?! I look down to see my little travel deoderant managed to crumble all over everything in my purse. I must have dropped a piece in my mouth

I considered calling poison control. But even I couldnt justify eating deoderant. I decided to wait and see if i would die. I'm still alive so thats good. i guess.

Then i get home to inspect my mouth and i managed to scratch my head with my newly growing nails! (I am finally conquering my nail biting!!) and i drew blood. I felt a sting and looked up a few seconds later to see a little trickle of blood.

Why is this happening to me!? I swear I couldnt make this up if i tried.

After stopping my bleeder and attacking my mouth with tooth paste and mouth wash just incase, I remembered I needed to drop some more forms off in town. I love this area of town because it is so....different. Without all the cars driving through it looks like a quaint old town with cute little store fronts lining the road ,shaded by trees.

Apparentlymy bad luck decided to follow me. I happened to miss out on any close parking so i parked down a side alley. As I am stepping over pot holes and making my way to my destination, I was nearly run down by UPS! The lovely driver missed the entrance he was aiming for and ended up hopping the curb 2 feet from me. Had i not haulted and jumped back, I would probably be a pancake. He didnt even slow down. ASS.

Dropped papers off, watched especiallyfor evil UPS man lurking. I was paying so much attention to not getting run down that I tripped and fell just as a police car goes cruising by. He stops (probabl assuming im drunk. and or retarded)

Police: Ma'am are you ..alright?
Me:Uhm.. yeah, I just tripped is all

*drag myself up and dust my pants off feeling like a fool*

Police: Have you been drinking?
Me: Noo, I simply fell.

*finally look at cop*

Me:Eric?!
Police: Uh, Yeaaah? Oh Hey! Jessica!

Apparently its a small world. I used to be friends with a few cops, about 6 years ago. Apparently things never changed and it happened to be someone I knew. He checked me over, gave me a flirty smile and we caught up. How strange.

Annywho. Blog on :)

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If you start to look like you have tumbleweed on yus head, shave yur head.

Soo, exactly one week into my perm and I'm feeling saddness.

I have ,er.. had. the flatest hair. It was that kind that looks at a curling iron and faints.Last week I got this brilliant idea to get a 'body wave', which apparently is really just a loose perm... On my hair.. it was curly. CRAP.

After 3 hours of setting rollers, pouring chemicals on me and making me wait, I vaguely remember her saying 'I hope you like big hair! I dooo!" as i stared in shock at my now fluffy hair.

What have i donnnnnne?!

Slowly i come to terms with my decision. It will eventually wear off right? yea... in 3 months. double crap.

So I leave the salon with a puffy new do, it grows on me. When i am finally allowed to wash my chemical smelling scalp I am uber excited.

2 days follow with great hair results, bouncy curls, no frizz. I must be a master at curly hair... A few more days pass and I start to notice portions of my under layers are not so curly. What is this?! I try to go with the whole 'let it chill for a day, dont touch it wash it or anything' ,yea,still limp. WTF, my right side of my head looks saggly.

I finally give in and buy some curl enhancing products, wash, apply, scrunch and it look decent, crisis averted. Hours later I pass a mirror, where has this flat area come from and why is it looking more waved than curled, also why is my smooth bounce starting to look frazzled and fro-ish?

weep

Begin seriously regretting this decision. I just haaaad to look more like my sisters didnt i. damnit damn damn. Paw at hair. Apply anti frizz, look greasy.Cry.Stare in the mirror for an hour. I have no idea how to handle this. my hair has never been a frizzed mess. I look like i stuck my finger in a socket while wearing nails made of metal.

WHAT DO I DOOOO???? Also, since the upper curl seems to be going no where fast, how do i revive the wasted mess at the bottom? Without obviously spending hours curling those pieces. Why is this happening a WEEK after I had this done? I waited 48 hours as directed before my first wash. Does my hair suck that much?! Probably. Triple crud.

Perhaps I should follow in the footsteps of Allie from 'Hyperbole and a Half' and shave my head? I don't really want to resemble a cancer patient though. Tomorrow I will attempt to right this. somehow. I cant say for certain HOW but... it will happen. I hope.

well suggestions are always a plus!

blog on

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Things That Make Me Kinda Mad

Everyone has pet peeves. Often we try to pretend we don't, so as not to possibly offend someone somewhere that we may possibly never even meet. So yes, I have pet peeves, and yes I feel like sharing them today!

Lack of helpful employees in a store

Generally I am too socially retarded to actually accept help from the lurking sales clerk that pops out of the shadows to ask "Are you finding everything alright? just lemme know if you need help"- I almost always decline... or at the least offer a non-commital smile and slink away before they try to talk to me again. I am a little wierd. whatever.

but

There is always that ONE time when i really do need help. I found/can not find that one item I need. Maybe it was broken when i found it. Maybe I needed the clerk to do a price check, get a new one, find the appropriate box, anything. Suddenly the lurker is gone. The store suddenly looks like a ghost town that i stumbled into. "hello?...is anyone working right now?" -which in itself is dumb to ask, because clearly someone is working if i make it into the store without setting off an alarm.DUH. Eventually I end up so flustered or annoyed that i end up dropping everything, convinced I will find something even better in a store where people actually work, even though I probably won't accept their help anyway. ...right.

Waiting on other people

I don't mean like serving someone else. I mean waiting for them to get around to doing something for me.

Example: My dad was in the hospital, they discharged him at 12:30. The Nurse informs me it is against policy to wheel him outmyself. So, we wait. We watch a show. I begin standing by the door way looking upset so someone will hurry up. An hour ticks by..finally we ring for a nurse who can not even get out of her chair to see what's wrong. a static filled intercom voice pops in *crackle* "Can i help you" *crackle crackle siiiigggh" What if i was chocking. or having a heart attack and my last attempt to save myself was to0 press the call button. that you responded to 15 minutes later? HUH HUH?! WHAT THEN?!...right so anyways. I begin pacing the halls looking aggitated and mumbling... finally the nurse comes back and informs us that the transport came by and said we werent in the room. He just had back surgery,where the hell else would be be other than his room dipshits?! We wait ANOTHER hour... long story short, all we needed was an able bodied person to wheel his wheelchair to the front desk because god forbid I was allowed to. A 5 minute ordeal turns into leaving after 3:30.

Wait wait wait. Why when I am capable of doing it myself?!

The 'What are you doing with your life' question

I hate that question I really do. More now then ever. I have actually begun to avoid family functions to simply not have to answer. I am too pathetic to come up with something that doesn't make me sound like a loser.I get sweaty palms knowing when my turn comes to answer it will almost always sound lame, cause a look of pity or make the person who just finished sound like God.

So when I hear that question I simply have to wonder, what do you really care. Be honest, it might make you feel better to know that while i did well in highschool, I have no official training of sorts, no set skills, no job, -You dont actually care.

This question almost always branches off into...

Why aren't you in college, you should be...

Why thank you for putting you two cents in. Are you now going to fork over the money for my tuition? NO? I didnt think so. Seriously, NOTHING pisses me off more than someone making coments about school.

I am sure they mean well, but it almost always leads into saying how I dont have the money to be a fulltime student. Which of course they either answer: A. why not ask mom and dad? or B. Have you applied for finacial aid?- Nooo I am so stupid it never occured to me to ask for financial aid! Damn all that time wasted.

Oh courseI have. There seems to be 2 things wrong: 1. Even though my mother (before passing on) made decent money before getting sick, we dont make enough. Think about it, she had been on disability for most of mylife because of her illness, that means no increase.EVER.and 90% of that money is split between the debt building up from medical costs, or the current bills we are stuggling to pay. My father is a 65 yr old forced retiree, who Im sure neverr planned to have 3 children, let along a baby in his 40's/. There is no magic money coming from them. As it is I gave half of my paychecks to support THEM.
Then of course that still leaves financial aid: Yes we apply, we almost always get little to nothing because the schools dont factor in where our money actually goes, and I can not apply on my own because I am under 24.

So, just dont ask, It is easier on us both.

Age/name stereotyping

We live in a country full of different sorts of people. Why is it then I feel like i am almost always judged by my last name and or age.

The first time i realized this was when we moved to PA from FL. Apprently in the minds of my narrow minded teachers, I, Jessica Mendez, was a migrant workers child. My first day they brought in a spanish translator for me. I don't speak enough spanish to even attempt a convo. I just happen to have a father with a spanish background. So i stared at these people like theywere insane, and asked in perfect english if it was okay for me to join the other kids not. Hello-please insert your foot in mouth. Stupid teachers. They asked if my family would be around for just the season or staying a while, I informed them that my mother was the vice president of the new bank opening and I was sure we would stay a while. Again awkward.

The second time I delt with this was shortly after the first incident. I went on a play date to a new friends house. Imagine her mothers surprise when My red haired-freckled-power suit wearing mom dropped off her light haired-pale-freckly-clean daughter. gasp She had the nerve to tell us she had warned her daughter not to get too fond because we were probably migrant workers just breazing through. bitch.

The third time I noticed this I was a little older and wiser. The bank teller would not allow me to deposit and withdraw money from my account I had held for over 5 years. She wanted a bunch of unnecessary information-I know, my mom ran a bank and didnt raise a fool. Apparently she assumed because I was young, that I was stupid and foreign. Think again sista.

So please take the time to know someone beyond age and race. Kay?

Anything involving patience

I don't have any. Nuf said.

Larger sized clothing-misinformation

Why is it always assumed that the larger the size, the bigger the bust needs to be, and the longer the pants need to be? Maybe I am a short, small chested heavy person. Ever think of that? We do exsist.

I happen to be above a size 6. However I happen to also be 5'2, and I don't have a C-DD cup.
Why must I pass up on adorable clothing because it would cost more to alter it than to purchse the item. It really is annoying. I know I know, lose weight. Been there done that, that doesnt always solve the underlying problem though.

Prejudice about the obese

Why is it okay for someone to assault, mock, belittle a heavy person? Do the attackers think that their jeering makes us snap to and suddenly fit into their small minded society. Nope.

Just because I am larger does not make me stupid, dirty or lazy. I happen to have a 3.7 gpa, I can not stand being dirty, and I enjoy being active.

Please be mindful of our feelings. Just because we happen to be larger than you, doesnt mean our feelings don't exsist. We might laugh of your rude comments, but deep down it does hurt. And why do we put ourselves down you ask? Its easier for us to beat you to the punch. Hearing it from our lips hurts a little less than having you voice your opinions.

And guess what, I found love! Just because you don't find me attractive doesnt mean someone else wont. Get over yourself. Please.

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So there you have it, those are the pet peeves I can come up with at the time. I hope you didnt see this as bitchy, ranting or complaining. This was meant to be an insight to who I am, how i feel and a little haha-ish. Hopefully you got that!

Blog on

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This I know..

Incase anyone was curious...

Apple Cheerios do not equal Apple Jacks cereal.

While both are good the fattening Apple Jacks flavor is much more awesome...

on the same note..

Special K Blue Berry Cereal, again, does not in anyway shape or form taste like Muffin Tops.

I tried it. I have this insane fetish for the blue berry goodness that resembles cinnamon toast crush but tastes like sugary muffins. In an attempt to better myself, I switched to Special K...it just doesn't live up to the muffin tops.

Please don't get me wrong readers and CEO's of such companies... I love all cereal, but when it comes to comparisons in my opinion, the healthier choice is not always an equal contender. Sorry. That's life.

I will admit my secret liking of the apple cheerios though..

Dad had his surgery a few days ago... What started out as a 1 hour surgery ended up with me sitting in a crowded waiting room for 4 hours. Thanks to the 4 trauma's that came in and were deemed more important than my father.

(btw CMC staff, thanks so much for letting me know that even though i saw you wheel him on a gurney into the OR, he actualy didnt have his surgery for 2 hours after that because of said traumas coming in. I really had fun fretting and thinking you possibly killed my father and were talking with your legal team about how best to handle me... even after i requested an update bc HA your updating board was frozen from two days ago... A simple 'His surgery has been pushed back due to a surge in traumas' would have cut my horrible thoughts short. Thanks. Really. not.)

where was i? right right 4 hours...

So I'm waiting, crammed in a chair, tired, bitchy, watching the whining children. wait a sec! I haz Apple cheerios in a plastic bag! Thank god!

Me: *munches on cheerios*

Brat1: Mooooom, I am HUUUUUNNNNGRRRRRYYY. When can we go to mc-donalds?!

TiredMom: As soon as we know daddy is out of the room with the Doctor hon. PLease try to relax and be a big boy for mommy.

Me: *eyes the ppl, munch munch munch*

Brat2: but but, Mommmy We want chzzzBurgerz. Puh-lease can we go. *pause* Can we haf a snack?

Brat1: Yeah!!!!!*begins to chant with brother* SNACK SNACK SNACK

Brats1&2: *turns eyes on me, drooling as they watch my munching*

Brat1: *walks over to me* Hi, can i haz some puhlease

Me:*Looks from her bag to the brats to the tiredmom and raises her eyebrows to tiredmom* I uhm. well... uhm....

TiredMom: Oh my goodness what a life saver you are!! *snatches my bag from my hands* Here kids say thanks

So, I lost my apple cheerios. but... They were good for a few minutes. Ok then.

Blog on.

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I haz SOCKS

son of a beeeeech.

I spent all this timy typing a cute lady crsuh post to my newest blog find. and feckin wireless eats crud and dies.

siiiiiigggghhh

I dont feel like remembering what i typed aside from :

*my feets iz cold. i haz sucks (thus the title!)
* I finded a new blog. she is a montage of hilarity and i haz a lady blogger crush.(in a non-stalker, non lesbian way)
* I did nothing today which left me with nothing to blog about.. It also foiled my plans to draw a fun peeture in honor of new blogger lady
*I think i also pleaded for a job from the no one who reads this. HA. Because my awesome typing skills, lack of training, and whatnot would TOTES encourage someone to hire me. riiight.


right well. thanks to my sucktastic internet, my post is even more pathetic. thank you internet trolls for leaving me looking like a loser. much appreciated.

blog on.

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Life in the FAT lane..

Seriously. Excuse my rant in advance.

I need to stop watching these stupid Hallmark Movies. because they are if nothing else... total bullshit.

Take 'Queen Sized', tonights movie about an overweight teen who after being teased, gets elected homecoming queen.

The whole movie just made me SHUDDER with disgust.And not because shes 'fat' but because of the total bull of the movie.

The whole monstrosity revolves around the fat chick who they portray as an over eating, whining, sniveling baby. She shoves chocolated, chips, ice cream in her face and then boo hoo's herself about being fat.

They make it seem as though all fat people are fat because they are lazy and overeat. YES, some do. but there are also a NUMBER of medical issues that contribute.

Meanwhile, in the end the suposed 'popular bitch' turns out to be the good guy. bc "omg. SHOCKER!" shes really a self hating girl who is really super nice underneath., And it turns out fat Maggie loses site of her goal and turns into a me me me girl. SIGH. get real.


Maybe I take offense to the fatitude. I was active, I went to the gym regularly. I cut out sugar, salts, carbs and most meats. I went to weight loss Doctors, meetings, clubs. Tried all the fad diets, tried following a diet made esp for me by licensed dieticians. Guess what, I still was overweight.

In an effort to branch out I did chearleading, I joined the bands color guard and spent hours on the field, i participated in powder puff both years.

Was i swarming in friends, popularity and dates? Nope
Was i losing weight like all the "experts" said i should be? Nope


So please, don't generalize the fat world as lazy pathetic and self loathing. Some of all are confident and healthy, even if we arent IDEAL.

blah. rant rant. sigh.

Happy Easter!
blog onn.

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Weekend Recap

So as previously posted, I was at my sisters this weekend!

After 2 days of crazy searching I found an adorable dress for the wedding.

Black Knee length dress with pink accents. Its not really what I had in mind, but I really dont wish to shop anymore..so..I wont. besides, it was only $25. How could I go wrong. Hoorah Bargain shopping!

I need shoes. Porbab ly heels. SIGH

Other than that we had a few sad moments, stopping at my nephews grave, and thinking about mama.

We also went to a farm certified in raw milk selling so I decided to try a half gallon, and some fresh eggs. I love local businesses. The extrmemely nice farmer who looks more like a frat boy... is selling his 5 bedroom farm house. If i had a chance in hell of getting a mortgage right now... I would scoop it up. Stone house circa 1930. GORGEOUS.

Anywho, I am feeling a but sluggish today due to the cold, windy, rainy bleh weather.

Blog on

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Bittersweet memories..

My feelings on the next two days are bittersweet.

While I am excited to have some girl time with my sister, I dread tomorrow the most.
Not only is tomorrow the 2 month since mama passed, but we are going to my sisters house.
The last time I was at my sisters was the last time i saw my mother well. I use the term 'well' loosely because she was so sick for so many years, but i define well as living, breathing, laughing,talking on her own and not in the hospital.

So, my heart is getting heavier and heavier as the hours pass into tomorrow. It will be hard to be there thinking of all the memories. This is especially hard as it is the first time my father and I will leave the house for more than a few hours at a time.

I supose no one knows how I feel better than my sister. Losing her little boy two years ago was hard enough, losing her step-mom;my mom was even harder, having miscarried last week. worse. She knows what it is like to go to place with memories, to make it through one day at a time.

I miss my mommy. I miss her so much it hurts constantly. They say depression hurts... They we'rent kidding. Too early Too soon. My heart it sad.

welll... happy weekend i supose. blog on..

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Add a little pepper-spray to your day

So at the risk of sounding childish, I am sitting here locked in my room clutching a can of camo pink pepper spray. Thank god for Dillon always forgetting things at my house.

Why am i sitting here like this you ask?

I was going down stairs to get a cup of coffee wondering why the house was freazing...

I hit the landing to see my front door wide open. This is wierd because A.) No one else is home at the moment, nor have they been for at least 2 hours...B.) No one uses my front door. We have lived in said house for 15 years and our stairs are wooden. The front steps are in major need of replacing which we have happening in the next few weeks. Because of this we have a common idea to not use them... just in case ya know?

ramble ramble. Im nervous, sue me.

So the door is wide open. i tip toe back up stairs, check my room just to be sure and lock myself in. I had been on the phone, had the dryer running, and i generally have my door closed. It wouldnt surprise me if I didnt hear the door. Even if i did, I would assume it was my father coming home. No big deal?

Right, except now it is. So i call my boyfriend. He suggests I call the police. But me, I'm an idiot. I don't want to look like a fool if theres no one here. So, I dig in my drawer, find the pepper spray, glance around and grab one of my weights. so i tip toe around the upper floor, all clear.

"I have a gun and i've called the police!", I shout like a loon. No response. What did i expect?Really?!

I creep downstairs, the door is still open, theres no sound. After 2 laps around the downstairs and a quick glance in the garage and driveway, I am satisfied there is no one here.

Just in case i dash back upstairs, lock the door and call my father. Next I call Glen, my boyfriend and announce my all clear.

My mind wanders a bit: Why was the door open!?

My only conclusion is: A.) The door blew open with the wind, despite the fact it is always kept locked...or B.) It's possible ending my phone call with an exclaimation of wanting more tea, I indeed interrupted a possible break in.

While both ideas seem unlikely, I really can not think of another way. I really prefer to think the wind is just extremely strong ands magical. Until someone gets home, perhaps I will stay locked away?

well. Here's to hoping. Blog on.

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We've got a winner!

Okay so in my last rant i was complaining about possibly owing our government money...

Something amazing happened.

Apparently I was on the borderline for getting nada, and one little number pushed me into the bracket of money-gettin..

In the end I walked away with the promise of a couple hundred dollars.

My unemployed wept with joy, would i have greedily liked more? Of course! Will i squander the little bit i recieved? Not a chance!

::Happy dances::

So anyway, then i realize I actually have to PAY to get said taxes done, woe is me. I pull out my checkbook expecting to shed a tear and hand over the money..

What happens you ask?

"Your payment has been taken care of this year! Thanks for being a repeat customer to our new firm"

::hand holding check book shakes a bit:: ::glance around for the candid camera crew::

Whats the catch?

The is no catch, my father graciously paid for my taxes for all the help I've been offering.

Then he turns around and tells me he'd like to pay for me to get my hair done, new clothes and even a dress for my cousins wedding... What is happening here? This is my father who insisted i start paying my own bills and way at 16, suddenly im halfway through 23 and he decides to start lending a hand.. Excuse me while i accept. I may have pride but i am no fool. And school?! he wants to pay for me to go back to school. Hell must be freazing over and I must really be dead and having a wicked dream.

I'll have to keep track and work on paying him back.

All in all this day is good. I decided to make the meatloaf tonight even though it is just us.

Blog on!

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Excuse my brain it's a little behind...

So I woke up this morning, its finally stopped raining! It is sunny, it is "warmer", i place my coffee cup under the Keurig machine, lift the lid and check for a cup; score a fresh one! Put the lid back down look for the flashing light, coffee time! hit the large cup and walk away. Make a small breakfast, grab earlier mentioned cup.... and...its EMPTY!!!

Hmm, maybe i was too tired and only imagined i heard the amazing brewing noise?

Try again.

Nope, my water is being re-routed... back into the water holder. WTF is this. Give me coooffeeeeee.

*weep**whimper*

unplug, pout,try yet again.

No coffee. Stare at old normal coffee maker in confusion. How..do..I..work..this?

Make coffee, bad coffee, wait wait wait... ok. drink.

Rememeber i have an appointment with my tax guy today. This day is already off tilt.

The end.

And thus ends the story of my coffee addiction. It has been over a year since I have so much as LOOKED at my old school coffee maker. Thank heavens i still OWN one. With the Keurig, its grab a cup of choice stick it in. 1 minute later a fresh brewed original cup for each person.

I really would not be surprised if this is decaf. Or just the worst coffee i have tasted in a year. Bleeeh.

I am finally getting my taxes done... i know i know, way to procrastinate. Hopefully my late-itude will make me not have to wait 2 hours after my appointment time like last year. I'll go in, hand him my W2, college credit form and voila. He'll either tell me i get NADA, or he'll magically find me home... in which case i'll still have to pay him WAY too much to get my taxes done. SIGH.

Can a girl not catch a break?! If there is a god gracing this earth, I will at least break even. That would suck, but hey at least I wouldnt LOSE money. Although, I have heard cases this year of people getting more money back than ever before. Fingers crossed, this unemployed lady could use a little cash in her account.

My boyfriend got a few hundred extra than ever before, will my fate be the same? I doubt it sincerely.

Anywho, If i dont stop the whine fest, I might actually MISS said appointment, so, off i go, wish me luck!

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A little bit of a lot of nothings...

It's been a pretty uneventful day.To be honest, it feels like the day will never end. Around 1pm i began to feel like it was really suposed to be 4pm and i should be considering ideas for dinner and not lunch.

Dinner ideas are scarce right now. I got off track with my weekly meal planning. This would be along with my off the track shopping schedule. Gone are the days when i went to the store on a regular day, gone are the days when i shopped with my handy dandy meal plan. Is it wierd that this loss of organization is making me stress often?

Pop doesn't seem to get that we can not live off of tv dinners and bread. I need meat, i need veggies, i need fruit! What i NEED is a cook and a maid. ha ha ha!

It has to be said, that while mom was sick i shouldered most of the household duties. In the time i was out of the house between then and now, this house has gotten out of control. Aside from basic sweeping, dusting, and mopping, I can not seem to get into it anymore. I look at a room my father has... shall we say...inhabited. Piles of papers, empty cups, dirty dishes, used K-cups.(Mere HOURS after I tackled it!) It gives me hives just trying to decide where to START in the cleaning process. (again)

I also must confess while i love to cook, i dislike the idea that its EXPECTED. Its gotten to the point: Jessica doesn't cook, we dont eat.Beyond that, i began making a meatloaf today, halfway into mixing my meat, he comes in and declares he wants leftovers tonight and tomorrow he'll be out for dinner with friends. So now i have said meatloaf wrapped up, maybe i'll be spiteful and make it for myself tomorrow... I do make a mean meatloaf.

Anywhoo, aside from the cleaning and cooking monsters lurking in the shadows, I have applied to some schools to further my education, and I have applied for a few jobs. YAY. fingers crossed!


Happy Tuesday blog world. blog on.

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Honkty Tonk, or something like that

My dad brought me home this free CD.

Why he thinks I would want a CD that a bunch of comical singers making fun of 'hicks', is beyond me.

Example: You done took my heart and stomped it into peices.
or
You low down stinkin skunk.

Yeah, sorry Poppy, but I just cant see me driving around the summit listening to that. EVER.

In other news, I have had this odd itch to start a small herb garden. I supose another reason I have taken to the blogs, is to read up on ideas. I have the blackest of black thumbs, yet i have this urge to nurture something. Go figure. I may go out and buy some items today. In a few days I can bet i will be ranting about the death of my beloved items. Time will tell.

Any ideas? Any suggestions? Help is ALWAYS welcome.

Happy Monday. hahaha.

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Life in the slow lane..

Well, here I am again. I used to blog long long ago, and eventually bored myself out of it all!

I kid, I kid!

Actually with school, work and family I really didn't have the time or patience. Come to think of it, I've always been a bit short on patience!

So to recap my last few months, Mama passed away. My heart still aches every day.
With the loss of Mama came the loss of job, health insurance and financial security. LOVELY right?!

I never realized how entirely impossible it is to find a job nowadays. I've always had a secure job, and to lose it over something so stupid as burying my mother truely enrages me. I have been beating the alleady worn down path of the job market. Woe is me. Unless I can magically find money for school, or I was to move to South Dakoata, Kentucky or Arizona, I'm pretty much...screwed.

The reasons for this blog: I actually started reading a blog a few weeks back from a young woman in Kentucky who is following her pregnancy. Never pregnant myself, I found myself LOVING her blog. She is so fresh and out there. I have never seen anyone less censored. She really seems to enjoy putting it ALL out there, no matter what the topic. Suffice to say, I am a huge fan and have taken to reading her daily just to see what else she has to say.

Is it wierd that eventually I've come to feel as if i KNOW this woman?! Silly.

I also decided to blog out of sheer boredom. At the moment, I have set up camp with my elderly father to help him get the house in shape for selling. What i plan to do after that remains to be seen, so, why my document along the way!

So let the journey begin, Keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, and i'll see ya real soon :D

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